Relationship Insight 101
Feel an intense craving for someone? Proceed with caution.
“Even through the darkest phase. Be it thick or thin. Always someone marches brave. Here beneath my skin” “Constant craving” - K.D. Lang
There is probably not a person alive who has never felt an intense craving to be with someone. Maybe it was in high school or college, or later on in life. Maybe it was one time, or several times. Regardless of when, where, or why, my advice to you would be the same. Whenever you feel an intense, overwhelming desire for someone – please proceed with caution.
I used to confuse a constant craving, palpable desire, and need to be with a particular person as a signal that indeed this must be true love! I couldn’t stop thinking about them, and my hunger was only satiated by their presence. It was as if their very essence had taken every part of me hostage in mind, body and soul. I remember thinking at the time: “How incredible this is! I feel as if I can’t live without this man and can't stop thinking about him! It must be true love!”
Although it seemed so romantic and "meant to be", a couple of years later it was anything but. Unfortunately, that intense craving for them had more to do with unresolved issues for me. More specifically, there was something about this person that triggered what was unresolved within me, and it was happening on an unconscious level. And I had no idea that this was going on at the time. I simply thought that I was responding to that person. Perhaps it was his captivating charm, his masculine jaw line, strong broad shoulders or smile. I wasn’t sure and I really didn’t care since I was in love! Yippee! I really did believe that my feelings were all about him. Regrettably, it was rather my unconscious need responding, doing its best to give my spiritual self an opportunity to work through those unresolved things inside of me yet to be put to rest.
We all learn things at different rates, and through trial and error over the years I have come to learn that such cravings really can signal danger. Further, just because a person isn’t a type of alcohol or drug, doesn’t mean that they and the feelings that they solicit in you are not addictive. To the contrary, the heady, intoxicating high from being with that person can be very addictive. However, when relationships are healthy and built on mutual respect and solid friendship - one usually feels primarily comfort and contentment. Love and passion are part of it too, but it doesn’t have the same frenetic, whirlwind feel of being swept up. It is the calmer, more even-keel types of relationships that, while definitely less of an exclamation point, are usually much more healthy.
So in moving forward I have grown to humbly respect what I call “the three C’s”. More specifically, I call them charm, craving, and confusion. When I meet a man and feel all three of these, I don't think that it's love or meant to be. Instead, it’s a big, red flag. So I try to get to know the person slowly and work to be cognizant of any patterns or behaviors that feel familiar to me and unhealthy. The three C’s are good in that they give you an insight into your unconscious. For if you feel out of sorts, use that to examine why you feel as you do. Ask yourself “What does this relationship tell me about me?” And on the flipside, if you feel comfortable and confident, you just may be onto something really wonderful. Good luck!
“There is no end of craving. Hence contentment alone is the best way to happiness. Therefore, acquire contentment.” Swami Sivananda
Liz Hoffmann BA, MBA, CPC is a successful Executive and Personal coach and owner of Atlas Coaching LLC in Fairfield. Liz coaches her clients to successfully navigate change and find greater satisfaction in their lives. Her expertise is in relationship challenges, career situations, and health. Her coaching style is fun and interactive, and Liz’s true passion is in helping individuals to shed self-limiting beliefs, negative thought patterns, and unnecessary stress.